Today we're diving deep into a topic that often surprises people: why public speaking can sometimes feel easier than a simple one-on-one conversation. We've all been there, right? Standing around at a party, surrounded by strangers, maybe only knowing 2 other guests.
The pressure to make conversation and the fear of awkward silences can feel paralyzing. Some of you might be surprised to learn that this is usually how I feel at parties or events where I don’t know anyone. And maybe even more surprising is the fact that I much rather give a speech in front of a large audience.
I have heard of other public speakers having the same issues - many of us prefer to speak on stage to a room full of strangers than to have one-on-one conversations with a single solitary stranger - or sometimes even an acquaintance!
What the heck is going on here? It’s all about anxiety and the different kinds of anxiety we are more susceptible to with our unique set of life experiences! There are two main types of anxiety that can affect us in speaking situations: social anxiety and performance anxiety.
Social anxiety is all about the fear of being judged and rejected in social settings.
Imagine the party scenario – you feel like everyone else is part of established groups, and you're the outsider on display. Every word feels weighed, and the pressure to be interesting can be overwhelming. You feel like everyone else already knows each other, and you're the new kid. The pressure to be funny or interesting can make you want to shut down. How do you choose who to talk to? How can you feel safe striking up a conversation with a stranger when it might ruin your social reputation for all time? Ok yes I am exaggerating but sometimes it just feels easier to pull out your phone and be alone in the crowd than to try and make connections with people you don’t know.
Performance anxiety, on the other hand, is about the fear of messing up during a presentation.
On stage, you might worry about forgetting your speech, appearing unprofessional, or being ridiculed for mistakes. I mean it’s not like people are in danger of getting booed from the stage unless they really shouldn’t be on the stage in the first place! But yet we still have a fear that everyone will hate us, we’ll forget half our speech, or we will look stupid and talentless on stage. And by the way, performance anxiety is at the core of stage fright!
Both types of anxieties trigger our fight-or-flight response, but it manifests differently depending on the situation. Social anxiety can produce a fight response where we are determined to fight the awkwardness and force ourselves to strike up conversations despite all the fears we are feeling. Or it can produce a FLIGHT response where we just decide to leave the party, or hide in the corner or the bathroom, or never stop looking at our cellphone!
Performance anxiety can create a fight response that looks like extreme control issues where you constantly rehearse and have to control every single aspect of your time before, during and after your presentation. Or the flight response for performance anxiety, which isn’t usually an option for speakers, is to struggle with the strong urge to run off the stage, hop in your car, and go home to hide for a week!In all cases, we can experience the classic fight or flight cocktail consisting of rapid heart rate, shortness of breath, sweaty palms, and racing thoughts!
Why the Difference?
So, why does public speaking sometimes feel less scary than dealing with the social anxiety of carrying on a conversation with one person, especially someone you’ve just met? Here's the key. Your social anxiety is much worse than your performance anxiety!
Here’s what that might look like for you as a speaker:
Concentrated Attention:
Face to face, the attention on you feels personal and concentrated. Social anxiety makes us afraid of being judged or not liked by others. Your conversation partner could be judging your every move and thinking you are a total weirdo. But when you are on stage, the spotlight is diffused across the whole room and a diverse audience who have all different kinds of opinions about you!
Control Issues:
In one on one conversation, you have less control over the flow and the topics. You could say something that offends, confuses, or contradicts yourself! It’s like picking your way through a minefield and you could explode a bomb on that conversation at any moment! On the other hand, when you are speaking on stage, you control the content, pace, and delivery of your speech. In other words, you basically control everything!
There is one other aspect to social anxiety that can make you avoid one-on-one conversations, especially at events. And that is the energy vampire. You may have been cornered at some point by a person who energetically drained you dry and you might not have realized what was happening! And you probably weren’t in touch enough with your own sense of boundaries to escape the conversation without feeling mean and rude.
Here’s the thing with energy vampires. They don’t realize consciously that they are draining you. They just know that they feel more happy and energized after talking with you so they want to spend every possible moment in your presence, especially one-on-one so nobody can interrupt or break the connection. In order to protect yourself, you need to recognize that they will drain you as long as you let them and so you need to have a strategy in place to exit as gracefully as possible.
This takes courage and assertiveness you may not be used to, so give yourself lots of practice and grace. Always have somewhere to be so that if you get approached, you can have a quick conversation and then tell them you need to get to your next destination asap. Tell them it was great meeting them with a wave as you walk away. This has worked very well for me several times!
If you have experienced being cornered and drained energetically, then getting over the fear of energy vampires will greatly reduce your social anxiety - at least it has for me!
Here are some other ways to manage social anxiety.
Practice conversations:
Role-play with a trusted friend to build confidence in casual settings. Practice helps with every skill you want to develop or every fear you want to overcome!
Prepare talking points:
Even for casual chats, having some conversation starters in mind can be a safety net. Have a short list of questions you can ask someone that feel fun and natural in case you get to the awkward silence and can’t quickly exit the conversation!
Focus on connection:
Really listen to what the person says and how they say it and find ways to connect with them. Changing your focus from your fear to connecting with the other person is really helpful because whatever you focus on grows! Don’t focus on your fear or it will grow!
Acknowledge they might be as scared as you:
Remember they might have as much social anxiety as you, and are trying their hardest not to run away too! Imagine yourself helping them be brave and engaged so they can overcome THEIR social anxiety.
If you know someone this blog post could help, please share the link with them.
If you want to be a better public speaker, it all starts with your stories. To get some free help finding and sharing your life stories, download my workbook designed specifically for finding your best stories to connect with others!
Download it at www.kellykayewalker.com/workbook