I want to go deeper into stories today but not about how to tell a better story! Today we’re going to talk about what to DO with your stories. A speaker that gets up and tells great stories is awesome and everyone loves it and feels connected to them. A speaker that shows how their stories can change a perspective, shift a mindset, or accomplish a goal is a speaker that is going to change thousands of lives.
This weekend was the final round of the first annual speaker games. Our judges were past president of the national speaker’s association Kris Barney, TedX organizer Tony Acosta, and TedX speaker and body language expert Ann Washburn. These are 3 very high level experts in the speaking world and their feedback was phenomenal! One thing they kept asking each contestant after their speech was “What’s in it for me?”
This question has been rolling around in the back of my head ever since because I think that is what makes a difference between a great speaker and a life-changing speaker! They use their stories to reach into our brains and flip a switch, causing us to never see the world in quite the same way. So, as is my habit, I have been researching that concept ever since.
And I am excited to talk about what I have learned in this blog post! It’s all about connecting the dots for your audience! What does that mean? Well, let’s look at some examples of connecting the dots for your audience.
When you tell a story, that is a dot. Which means you likely need to follow it up with a connector line to the next dot. Say something like “I told you that story because…” That sentence connects them to the next dot. As speakers we have practiced our speeches many many times and the connections feel super obvious! But remember your audience is hearing this for the first time, probably in a big room full of distractions, and maybe after 5 other speakers or WORSE just after lunch! Which means there is no guarantee they will make those connections themselves - in fact it’s almost guaranteed that they won’t if you don’t point them out.
Draw a line between the dot of your story and the dot of what that means for them.
Let’s use my famous hiding in the bathroom story as my working example. I have told this story dozens of times, but in case you haven’t heard it, let’s head to that bathroom!!
In 2017 I went through a complete life transformation. I was in the worst part of a 12 year depression and after getting fired because of it, my schedule was free to discover the world of personal development seminars. After attending about 3 of these, I decided I wanted to become a motivational speaker and help others experience a complete life transformation too, so I was actively seeking out any opportunities to learn about becoming a better speaker.
In October of that year I found myself attending a speaking competition to not only hear the speakers, but more importantly to me, hear the feedback from the judges. I wanted to know what worked and what didn’t so I could follow my new dream of speaking. The event was amazing and I learned a ton from listening to the feedback the judges gave each of the 4 contestants.
I was feeling very happy with my choice to attend that day and just before we all stood up to leave, the EmCee grabbed the mic and announced that they had one spot left for next month’s contest. He held up the clipboard, inviting anyone to come up and claim that spot. It was at that moment that I learned that sometimes your body can take over when you want something badly enough, because suddenly I was up and making a beeline for that clipboard to sign up for the contest without any conscious decision to do so.
I was weaving my way through the clumps of excited people who were milling around each other, chatting and saying their goodbyes when I apparently blacked out because the next thing I knew I was standing at the exit with no memory of how I had gotten there.
Luckily there is a restroom right next to the exit so I pivot and burst through the door to the ladies room. There is a long row of wooden-doored stalls to my right and a long row of sinks to my left. I randomly fling one stall door open and flop myself down on a toilet to begin one of the most epic inner arguments of my entire life, going back and forth between future motivational speaker Kelly and currently scared out of her mind Kelly.
I’m not ready! my scared self says! I’ll look like an idiot! But you have to start somewhere, why not here? They all seem nice! But I can’t write and memorize a great speech in only a month it’s not enough time! How do you know that - you’ve never tried! I bet you can do it faster than you think! On and on the argument goes, neither side willing to give in to the other.
During this 10 minute struggle with myself in the ladies’ room as everyone prepares to head out to their cars with one last stop in the bathroom, I am serenaded by a chorus of flushing toilets, the deafening racket of the old-fashioned pump handle paper towel dispenser, and the occasional psshhhhhh psshhhhhhh of the industrial orange air freshener going off somewhere overhead.
Eventually it goes silent as the parade of potty goers dwindles to zero and in the silence, my future motivational speaker finally wins the argument. I stand up and stride out of that restroom like a woman on a mission. Just between you and me, I was also secretly hoping that I had been in there for so long that everyone had packed up and left. But there he was, the man with the clipboard, standing near the exit with his back to me.
I brace myself and say “Hey!” He turns around and says oh hey! I thought I saw you leave. Did you forget something? Yeah! I forgot I want to be a speaker! Is that spot still open? I am still so scared of public speaking at this point in time that I burst into HTT. Hysterical tears of terror.
After a quick flash of alarm on his face, the man with the clipboard tries to comfort me and when that doesn’t work, he gingerly holds out the pen to me and says “Well, we’d love to hear from you!” I take the pen and somehow sign my name through the Niagara Falls of tears rushing down my face. In that moment I am fairly sure that poor man thinks he will never lay eyes on me again.
But the contest arrives and I show up ready to win - or at least hoping to not get booed off the stage. When he calls my name I fight down the terror, stand up, and start walking across the room like a condemned man to the gallows. About halfway to the stage I realize he kept talking after he called my name, and I force myself focus on what he is saying through my terror - just in case he is giving me new instructions or something else important I need to hear.
But instead, what I hear is this. You guys, Kelly left and came back last month to tell me she had to have this spot. She was so scared she was crying hysterically and I honestly thought she wouldn’t show up today! She has got to be terrified out of her skull so give her a warm welcome!!!!
Now utterly humiliated, I walk out onto that very high stage (did I mention I’m scared of heights?) and go right up to the front edge, the tips of my shoes handing over the edge in thin air. The spotlight is hot and blinding, and I avoid raising my eyes too high for fear of getting my retinas burned off. The judges are lined up at a table right in front of the stage, staring at me expectantly.
I am holding the microphone in one hand, and playing with the bottom button of my jean jacket with the other. I scan the first few rows of the audience and take a deep breath. And then much to my horror, I realize that I have completely forgotten how my speech starts. So I stand there and I try to remember it. Any of it!
You know how sometimes a speaker comes out on stage and they just stand there for a few seconds and look at the audience and you can feel the power of that pause and you just know this speech is going to change your life before you’ve heard a word of it?
I was hoping that that’s what everyone was thinking was happening - that I was just pausing for a super powerful effect! Before that pause stretched too long and became awkward, I made myself open my mouth and say something. Anything! The words that came out were “This has been the worst year of my life. And also the best. And it all started when I got fired in January.”
I went on to give a version of my speech I had never given before and I watched as my words made people laugh. And then made a few of them cry. And I realized that becoming a speaker was no longer just a dream because there I was on that stage actually living it! And yes a few points along that journey felt like a nightmare, but sometimes going through a few nightmares is a price we are willing to pay to live our dreams!
Ok there you have it - my famous bathroom story!
When I tell that story, I use all the best storytelling techniques. People feel like they were in that bathroom with me, and then they feel like they were on that stage with me. But do I connect the dots? Do I tell my audience what my stories mean for them? Do I tell them why I chose that particular story to share with them? I could definitely do a more thorough job of that and I plan to!
When I tell my ‘hiding in the bathroom’ story, I could connect the dots better if I were to follow it up with this: “I told you that story because I know you have had that same kind of inner argument in your head - the one where your crazy adventurous self is making your comfort-loving ‘things are fine the way they are’ self really angry and defensive! In fact, you have probably had that kind of argument with yourself hundreds of times over the course of your life! And I know how often the crazy adventurous side loses. I also know that true progress and real fulfillment comes only when your comfort-loving self loses.”
In fact, I am at this very moment deeply regretting that I never have said those words after telling my bathroom story and I guarantee that I will say them EVERY SINGLE TIME FROM NOW ON! Can you feel how powerful that was to connect the dots for the audience??
I challenge you guys, and also myself!, to go through your core stories that you use the most on stage and start finding ways to connect the dots. Your first step is to pick your favorite story that you tell the most often and write a connection statement for it. Why that story? Why tell it to those people? What’s in it for them? Connect those dots and you will level up from a great speaker to a life changing speaker. And isn’t changing lives the reason why we all started speaking in the first place?
If you know you have a message to share but you still haven’t figured out what it is yet, download my workbook 10 Steps to Find the Message in Your Mess! It walks you through the process, focusing on finding the best stories from your life to create a powerful, transformational signature presentation so you can get out there and start changing lives from the!
Find the link here: www.kellykayewalker.com/workbook